Best Rapture-Preparedness Program

Best: Stock up at Ranger Surplus
Various locations
2nd Best: Study parkour at Primal Fitness
219 M St. NW, (202) 635-1941
Let’s face it: When the one-world government takes hold, the moon turns to blood, and animal sacrifices are reinstated, you are not likely going to be among the elect. So it’s best to be prepared for a long and difficult tribulation. And the best way to get prepared is to stop by Ranger Surplus, where you can buy the emergency blankets, glowsticks, and the intimidating Rambo-style knives you’ll need to survive. But what if you need to, you know, jump between buildings and/or kick some heathen ass? For that, there’s Primal Fitness. This forward-thinking gym, located on 219 M St. NW, uses techniques from the French art of parkour—remember that chase scene at the beginning of Casino Royale? That’s parkour—to help people cross-train for their own personal action sequence. “Most standard gym workouts are predicated on less functional movements,” says Primal co-founder Jesse Woody. “They don’t handle things from outside of the gym.” Instead Primal Fitness has workouts designed to strengthen your entire body in ways that are useful when, say, you have to scramble up a concrete wall in order to escape Global Community goons. “When things happen outside in real life, you don’t get to pick and choose what part of your fitness you’ll use,” explains Woody.